hey who here has tried Alli? please tell me if you have!!! i need to know if it worked for anyone before i spend the money. does it make you hungrier or anything? and did it help you lose any weight? any input would be great.

fuuuuuck me. seriously. i always end up disappointing myself. ive fucked up this time. again. i was doing well...like i barely ate for about 3 days. AND THEN the night of the third night i ate. late at night too. and it was shitty ass food. terrible stuff. and i wasnt even fucking hungry. i just did it. its like my brain went off and i fucking manged. fuck me dude. THEN i didnt really eat yesterday, till late at night ONCE AGAIN. and once again it was terrible food. i always start out with control and then i eat for no fucking reason. then this morning i ate and when i got home from work. i really hate myself. i didnt even fucking purge. any of it. what the fuck is wrong with me.
and its like i keep forgetting its a new year, a new start. this year is supposed to be different and im already fucking up. i miss the old me who could lose whatever by whenever.
well now im going to the gym, before i go to babysit. i can NOT eat the rest of the night. and i always end up picking and snacking a ton when i babysit. tonight ill just drink water, green tea, smoke cigarrettes, or drink apple cider vinegar (btw that actually does work to curb appetite. TRY IT!!) instead of feed my fat fucking self.
i need to lose weight fast. this week i cannot and will not slip up. i need this.

so i have a question..ive been wanting to drink water, but it makes me bloated and it seems i carry a lot of water weight, but if i consistantly keep drinking more and more water, will it eventually flush out of me faster? i dont know, does anyone else seem to carry water for a long time?

i fucking hate myself. i really do. i hate the fact i cant stick to what i promise myself. i hate the fact that i dont have control. i hate what ive done to other people. or how i cant change how ive acted in the past. how can you win someone back after youve fucked them over? thats what i want to know. its been like a year since ive spoken to this person but not one day passes without me thinking about them. uhh. if i could be thin all my problems would disappear. im fucking like 120. im a fat fucking pig. i went all day without food except some fruit and i puked up choc. i ate but hten i came home late tonight and ate. i had control and i wasnt going to eatr shit but then i was like oh well i can. but thats my problem. its like my brain tricks me. i fucking hate myelf. ithink i may cut. im gonna cut "thin" into my hip that way i really wont slip up. but im not cutting now. i will when im empty and hungry.
how much weight can i lose in a week? i need to start tomorrow. and i really can not slip anymore. i always start out ok and then i fuck up at night. or i just fuck up in general. and i also have to quit promising myself "tomorrow" because that always sets me up for disappointment. so now. if i fuck up then i cant show my face at school. i was planning on coming back from break a good 10-15 pounds thinner. and 1 week has passed and i may have gotten fatter. i dont know. so now i have exactly one week left. i need to do this for myself. i cant even fucking call myself anorexic anymore. im a fucking embarassment.

i just watched walk the line...reese witherspoon is good thinspiration in it. oh and white christmas is by all means the most thinspiring movie. the skiinier blonde sister is perfect. so thats just my random thought haha.

if youd like to know/add to: then

so i am still obesely fat from yesterday..i look pregnant. and tonight im supposed to go to a rave. i feel fucking disgusting. anyway i have like 11 hours and if anyone knows tips to flush it all out somehow or how to flatten your stomach OR lose water weight then please tell me...i need help quickly! thanks. ive already done exercises, im drinking ton of water, and i took laxis last night but they havent even worked. uhh. well now im going to ballet. ill look like the fattest fucking thing there. peace.

ive gone on like a 3 day long MAJOR binge..i dont think i even purged once.i dont even want to write it down b/c its so embarassing and disappointing. im starting today....no food. fuck food. i dont know when ill fast till..pprobably not very long,im more of a restricter than a faster. so yeah...IT STARTS NOW haha. its going to be hard the first day cuz ive been eating whatever the hell i want...but i havent eaten yet which is a good start. im doing at the very least 12 pounds by the end of this break. sorry for the rambling...:)
has anyone else been fucking up big time? i feel like im the only one whos been uncontrollable.

-splenda
-coffee
-water
-green tea
-sf jello
-diet coke
-laxis
-diet pills

hahahah

yeah..texting to get support through the holidays...email me kak_3@hotmail.com.

so who else is on their gd period? im basically almost over mine. i miss when i didnt have it. id say thats motivation to not eat. because then you get thin AND you dont get your period. haha. so enough about that...i thin its given me a MAJOR sweet tooth. like today was disgusting. i mean i ate all terrible food...and it was supposed to be a good day. yesterday was pretty good as far as restricting goes...today, not so much. at all. but ill start tomorrow. uggghhh and i have finals tomorrow....actually thats what im supposed to be doing now. but thinspos better than homework anyway. heres tomorrow's plan: water, green tea, coffee, and cigarettes when im hungry. and some veggies and maybe fruit. this was pretty much a meaningless post, but oh well. time for homework..yaaayy....

uhhh i feel grosssssss...i dont know where to begin and i dont want to remember. uh. k i start a fast NOW! thinspo/pics..?

iam a fat fucking matass pig. uuuuuugggghhhh i was doing well till yesterday and then today i was supposed to redeem myself from my slip up the day befor but i ended up being 2 times worst. pretty drunk and prettyblazed. i guess that explains some of threr reason i fucked up. k well harcore fasting so i lose over this weekend....i can NOT slip up. i think i wont evn fit in my goddamn jeans. fuck. i im gross. does aderall help u lose weight at al? anyone?

im listening to the playlist titled 'for someone' that i made this summer. its all the sngs that remind me of him or that say things i wish i could say to him.
right now its badge by cream. but i
havent talked to him srtill. or more like he hasnt talked to me. so here i am in my bed and i cant sleep. i havent been unable to sleep like this for awhile. i wish i could just write out all the shit i feel/want to say to him but that would be impossibl and id just end up sounding redundant. i just want to know if he still cares at all. or thinks about me. cuz there hasnt been one day i havent thought about him. i wonder if he knows that. or if he knows that i fucking hate myslef for losing him. i sound dramatic and emo right now. but im not. im just pissed...at myself.

now playing: broken by jack johnson.

the last thing he said to me (after telling me i was a fucked up person) was that if i ever needed anything i could ask him. and now im fucking crying. i remeber this summer i d just jog for hours to get my mind off shitand id end up breaking down and just like crying.
but ive been having a lot of fun lately.but i dont want to move on. i dont know, i guess ive kind of just subdued my depressed shit over this but id still do anything for him to just say a word to me. whatever. im going to bed.

3x5..john mayer.

fasting till thursday now.

so far today:
4 pcs. gum....20 cals
1/2 choc. biscotti....200 cals
coffee....0 cals
4 oz. sf frapp...80 cals

so like 300 today...then pointe after work. then hw. then bed?. well see if i eat before bed...probably wil just somthing small and low low cal.

so down about 6+ pounds since thanksgiving (ugh). so yay! im pretty determined now to keep going like im actually getting back to where i used to be. and im getting smaller again. well hopefully. anyway...i thought i wasnt making headway but i guess i am. after passing out last night its kept me going strong! (except i had some brussel sprouts and a little pumpkin pie cuz i did NOT want to pass out in front of the parents). so anyway, those are my words of encouragement for all you. think thin.

 broke the fast
puked it up
passed out at a coffee shop
blazed
had some brussel sprouts and sips of frapp after i passed out (to bring me to)
now a lot of hw...
im still pissed i broke my fast and now ate after getting it up.